| Biography Jan 30th, 2004 - Updated Bio
I am Canadian. I am Mexican. I was born in Mexico, and lived there for the first 26 years of my life.
So my first memories on anything feminine related come from my early childhood. I'm not too sure how old I was, maybe 3 years. I remember being in my grandmothers house, looking in her drawers and closets. I found stockings, high heels and wigs. I remember trying them on. And the most important thing is that my grandmother never stopped me or said that it was wrong. I would not say either that she would encouraged it, but she never stopped me.
Then after that first time, I remember doing it more and more.
Then for quite a few years nothing...
Until I was in about 4th or 5th grade. I was watching some movie show on TV, and I saw some images about Tootsie, and about how Dustin Hoffman became a woman. As I was watching I became strangely and intensely interested. A man could actually look like a woman (Tootsie looked beautiful to me at the time anyway). But that was everything I saw, because although my parents liked to go to see movies, they weren't too interested in this one.
But a couple of months later, the mother of one school friend took us to see the movie. I was excited that I was actually going to see it because of the transformation, but I could not tell my friends I was. As I was watching it, I even felt some arousal watching how he was transformed.
A couple of years later, I started going to tape records to my grandparents house. And at some point they left me alone, and one day I remembered what I had done when I was young. So I went up sneaking around the closets again, and I found those heels and those wigs again. And i tried it. And it felt very good. So from that point on, I would use any opportunity I had to do it. I would look myself in the mirror and imagine I was a woman. Part of the problem was that the hair was too short not too feminine...
So I started having fantasies about getting a longer wig, so that the hair would look more feminine. Eventually I ended up looking around in my mom's closets, and guess what I found. Not exactly super long hair, but better (and modern) looking hair.
So after that I started doing "it" at home, with my mom clothes. Eventually, what had to happen, happened. They caught me. My parents had gone, so I was having my good time dressing. They came back earlier than I had expected, so I had to run into the shower, which they found strange. The worst thing is that my mom found makeup traces on her clothing.
So when she did, we had a long talk. Questions like "Are you gay ? " "what is it that you do ? " "Why ? " "Do you like women ?". And the answers, of course "I'm not gay. I like women. But I imagine myself as a woman". My parents never really tried to understand what was going on, and I was threatened to be sent to see a psychologist, which for some reason, I really feared.
So I promised : not to do it again. Of course, I kept doing it. A couple of years later I started working, so one of my first checks was used to buy my own things. I went to a second hand ad paper, and found that every week, wigs would be sold. So I got enough courage to buy some. A whole pack of 10 wigs for about the equivalent of $50. They were longer and more feminine. So I dressed every time I could, still with my mom's clothes, but now with my own hair. She probably caught me at least once more.
Every time I did it, I felt guilty. Like I was doing something really wrong.
Then I got a steady girlfriend. And the need to dress went down, but never completely disappeared.
When I was about 22, I started dating my now wife. I wanted her to help me satisfy some of my 'feminine' needs. So I asked her to wear slutty clothes, and even (at some point) a wig, to look different to me. At that point I thought that could be enough to cover my need. But it didn't work, in part because of the fact that I didn't really cover all my needs, and that my girlfriend had a hard time doing it for me (no wonder) because I wanted things to be exactly like I had imagined.
So it went on and off like that...
Then, around 1994, I read about something called Mosaic and the WWW. Fortunately, at my university, they had it. So I went there, and the second thing I searched for (after Pink Floyd) was "transvestite". And what was my surprise to find something. So I started reading, and learned that I wasn't the only one. Learned what a transsexual was.
A year later, one of my uncles, Richard, comes back from Dallas, where another one of my mother's brothers, Edward, lived. Richard brings back a newspaper clipping. And he says he needs to talk with us about Ed. So the first thing I thought, is that he was gay (he had two children and was married). But nothing could have prepared me to what was coming : Edward had become Monica. A MTF transsexual. In my own family !
I went into full denial. I stopped talking to him/her. Didn't want to know anything else. I was afraid, very afraid, that, changing gender was definitely in my future.
In 1996 we got married, and some time later the need starts again. I had money now, so because of the wig(s) we had for my wife, I had that part covered. I got some clothes. Started dressing again. And the net didn't help. I kept visiting sites, which showed me I wasn't alone. And I saw all these beautiful girls, and thought : "I could be like them". At the same time, I kept trying to 'push' some of these needs onto my wife. It never worked.
We moved to Canada in 98. The situation was basically the same. The dressing need would go off a little bit, but never completely gone, and I managed to dress occasionally. Got some second hand clothes. Got a couple of wigs on eBay.
Fast Forward to June 2000. My wife is pregnant, visiting our family in Mexico. I'm alone here in Vancouver. I browse the net. Find Tora Roberts' "Life's a Draag". She does makeovers. She is in Vancouver. I call her, completely freaked out. We set a date. I don't know what to do. I've never told anyone what I really feel. Even my wife has some sketchy idea on what's going on... would I tell a complete stranger ?
What an unforgettable experience. She's very good. She calms me down, and starts to do her work. I look better than I could have looked before. I go back home, and take pictures (why, why do we need pictures ?).
But then the guilt, again. I've done something behind my wife's back. She comes back, and it takes me 4 months to have the courage to tell her what I've done. She's just in denial, doesn't even comment on it. Our beautiful daughter is born, and she goes back to Mexico in December. I'm alone here again. I call Tora again, but this time I want to go out after the makeover. Go to a bar or a club. I get the makeover done and drive my car, I get downtown, and circle the place I wanted to go over and over. Over and over. Finally, I manage to park, walk the short distance and go into the bar. A gay bar. I sit inside and just watch people. I could not believe what I was feeling. I felt people looking at me. The makeover made me feel confident, so I relaxed. And even though I didn't talk to anyone, It felt right.
Next day, Tora tells me she's organizing a night out for the first time with some local girls from a Yahoo group. They're having dinner the next Friday, and asks me if I want to come. After some thinking (because I was going to do the makeup myself) I decide to go.
Friday comes, and I get ready at home, and drive out. My heart is pumping. I'm so nervous and sweating. I find parking, across the street, about 200 meters away. I have to walk ALL that distance, but I manage to. I get to the restaurant and I can see another 'girl'. This is the first time EVER I met with other cross dressers, before that I've only seen online pictures and a couple of drag shows, from the distance. People start coming in, and I relax. I'm having the time of my life : There's actually some other real people, here, who like to dress as women. One of the attendees is a bi guy and starts talking to me, we leave the restaurant and he grabs my hand. I couldn't believe it, me the straight guy, was actually enjoying it. Later we went dancing (which I love in any mode), and I finally got back home. One of most life-changing days in my life, my thoughts are : "I want to do this the rest of my life"
I made a decision : I have to talk with my wife. I can't just keep living a lie where being a cross dresser is not part of me. It is. I met her in Mexico, and when we come back, I write her a 8 page letter explaining my feelings and what I think is what I want. I wrote a letter because I could never talk with her openly about it. I basically told her I needed to do something, and I loved her, so I didn't want to leave her or anything.
I would completely forget about it, if that's the only way she could live with me, or, we could keep trying the 'you help me with my ultra-feminine needs" idea (which hadn't work so far), or, I would be able to dress up periodically with her knowledge, maybe even go out with some other girls. In any case, I promised I would seek professional help.
I did, I had to talk with my family doctor to get a referral to a gender specialist. We had a few sessions, a couple with my wife. He told me : You're not really a transsexual, but you have the desire to feel like a woman occasionally. But you have to keep in mind it is just a fantasy. This woman you become is perfect in your eyes, so your wife cannot compete with her, so keep that in mind. And he told my wife, that, well, my cross-dressing needs weren't going away anytime soon.
So, we decided to give it a try. Let me have, one night a month, when I could go out.
Now, 3 years later, I can happily say that it was the best thing we could have ever done. I'm a much happier person now, we argue less, and although she's very adamant about not seeing me as a woman, and even less, participate with me, she's understood that it is just part of me.
Of course, this wasn't without some pains. Initially, I could not get enough of it. After 29 years of repression, I wanted to do it and do it. Also, I wasn't too sure about my real needs : Wasn't I really a transsexual ? Wasn't I gay or bisexual ?. So I had to find it out.
The result ? I'm not a transsexual. I would not want to be a woman the whole time, maybe just because I'm really happy with my current life, my wife and my daughter, and it is not worth it (to me anyway) to potentially give it all up, for something that may not necessarily make me happier. At the same time. when I am a woman, I definitely like men attention. But I think in reality is mostly about me feeling like a woman, the validation part, instead of actual sexual attraction.
So I've learned, I got a little anxious at first, but things have settled now. I can talk with my wife openly, my femme clothes get washed with the rest, we've shared makeup a couple of times. And I have her. I can't complain at all.
And when I go out, I have a LOT of fun. | |